But Joy comes with the Morning

Grief is so… wretched.  It is so painful. Physically painful. As if you can literally feel your heart breaking. 

The onset was sudden and hit me right in the gut. The tears. The tears that made me ache of dehydration – they drained me of all energy, sense, and ability to function. The sobs that began in my stomach and slowly made their way up toward my lungs, my throat, and finally my lips. I stifled them as much as possible so as to not wake my sleeping babies. But alas, I could not. They rang out in the quiet house and beckoned my husband near. His presence was welcomed but nothing… nothing could halt the grief I felt deep within the innermost part of my soul. Words were the farthest from my mouth. My heart has never, ever, even closely been as pained as it is tonight. With each new wave of tears, my thoughts strayed to the pain and suffering my mother must endure. To express her own grief through the natural release of the body by crying, her suffering deepens, trapping her inside a terrifying position both physically and emotionally. I think in the midst of my own suffering, ‘how does she do it?’, ‘how is she so strong?’, ‘she has endured and persevered through the worst imaginable conditions.’ Oh, my heart. Cannot. Bear it. 

From years of memorizing and studying the Bible, I recall Psalm 30:5 “weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.” My soul longs to focus on the rejoicing that is promised in the morning. But right now, it is night. And there is weeping. Lots and lots… and lots of weeping. My mind cannot process the grief it is experiencing and my heart is left in shambles. The weeping continues. The strength and vigor I am unable to exhibit in calming the overflow of emotion instead shows itself greatly in producing more tears and more angst and I find myself at a loss. 

Through a series of blubbering and incoherent sentences, my cries to the Lord make their way back to me as answered prayers and I feel my heart calming. My body slowly begins to regain control over its shaking. My breathing becomes steadier. But the pain, oh that wretched pain, it remains.

I search the depths of my scripture memory and recollect a few more.

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” in Psalm 34:18

Psalm 22:24 says, “For he has not despised or scorned the suffering of the afflicted one; he has not hidden his face from him but has listened to his cry for help.” 

And yet again in Matthew 5:4, “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.”

My heart cannot begin to muster up feelings of rejoicing at this very moment. My body cannot bear to stand and fight this battle both spiritual and physical because I am face down, on the floor, at the feet of Jesus upon His throne, in a fetal position, and I cannot, absolutely cannot, be removed. Praise God, PRAISE GOD, that he does not ignore, nay deprive those who are mourning the experiencing they are feeling from grief over watching a most dear and precious loved one suffer. Praise God that he has created our hearts and souls to feel so deeply a love for another human being that in loving them more, our pain also increases with the thought of losing them. 

Praise God, that the pain and sadness and torment my heart is experiencing at this very moment is tucked safely in the deep shelters of His mighty fortress and at the mercy of His strong compassion. He does not shame me for my experiencing these harsh realities of our sinful nature but instead steadies His arms wide open to embrace those who seek His shelter.

Many of you, I know, are grieving, mourning, aching in the flesh. Your hearts are weary from battle and your souls need comforting, not condemning. You need to release this monster of emotion that buries itself deep within and must find a safe place to dwell. Friends, I mourn with you. In the midst of my own mourning. I cry with you, plead to God for you, mourn as only one who has experienced such pain can understand.

It is true, the rejoicing of those who have secured their hope in the one and only Savior of the world, will indeed come in the morning. But for now, it is night. And tears must be shed. Burdens must be released. The weakness in our souls must be recognized for what it is and you and I, we must run with all the energy we have left to the one whom we can find rest in. And when we fall down because we are in fact not able to make it to Him, He will pick us up and take us there. The Lord weeps with us and He stands ready and capable to accept us in our state of despair. Joy, it will come in the morning. But for now, it is night. And in the darkness, we must find shelter.

One of my most recent favorite songs is “Holy Spirt” sung by Francesca Battistelli as well as Kari Jobe.  It’s lyrics proclaim the cry of my heart.

“There’s nothing worth more, that will ever come close
Nothing can compare, You’re our living hope
Your presence Lord

I’ve tasted and seen, of the sweetest of loves
Where my heart becomes free, and my shame is undone
In Your presence Lord

Holy Spirit you are welcome here
Come flood this place and fill the atmosphere
Your Glory God is what our hearts long for
To be overcome by Your Presence Lord

Let us become more aware of Your presence
Let us experience the Glory of Your Goodness

Lord, let it be so in my heart. My soul already finds healing and comfort and hope for the morning’s promise of rejoicing. But for now, I cannot rush the morning’s sun so I will rest in your embrace as your Word guides me to do. For there, nothing can touch me or tempt me in your shelter.

Friends, I pray with you tonight as you allow the Holy Spirit to be present. Be near, oh God. I cry out to you, God, to be our refuge. You hear our plead for help and you answer us.

Joy will be anticipated in the morning.

But peace, precious peace, will be found in the night.

“One thing I ask from the Lord, this only do I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze on the beauty of the Lord and to seek him in his temple. For in the day of trouble he will keep me safe in his dwelling; he will hide me in the shelter of his sacred tent and set me high upon a rock.” Psalm 27:4-5